Tuesday, 10 July 2007

i saw this somewhere. hehe. some are very funny. others are freaking funny


Predictions for the future....
THE JIM CARREY EDITION

"Robots will do all of our dull, repetetive tasks like washing dishes and marrying J Lo."

"Brain sucking aliens will invade the earth and we'll all die trying to imitate the stunts on Jackass."

"Male doctors will no longer be allowed to become gynecologists when a group of them are caught high-fiving at a convention."

"Tired of being referred to simply as drunks, Irish Americans will legally change their name to Drunken Americans."

"Louis Anderson publicly converts to atheism when for the third day in a row his bag of Cheetos gets stuck on a vending machine."

"The answer to the question 'is there life after death' will finally be answered when the corpse of Winston Churchill holds a press conference and says 'no'."

"Sales of Izod shirts will decline dramatically, when it is revealed the alligator has a small child in it's mouth."

"It will be revealed that carrots do not actually improve your eyesight, but they are still number one when it comes to scratching a deep, rectal itch."

"The French Riviera will be completely abandoned after its name is changed to The Geraldo Riviera."

"A woman will play and win a tournament for the PGA. When the PGA stands for Poontang Golfers Association."

"The New York Knicks and N' Sync will sue each other, each claiming it was their idea to be five guys who suck."

"Conan O'Brien will beat out Jim Carrey for the lead role in The Mask part II. I'm sorry, did I say the The Mask part II? I meant Mask part II- the Rocky Dennis story."

"Jim Carrey will commit his first murder of a fan after someone who just saw Bruce Almighty approaches Carrey and says 'Almighty then!"

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An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"



I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist"
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.



An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know: did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment and then confesses, "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is shaken; the reality of what his wife admitted hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."



and finally..
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gentlycompressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances likeunderpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at highschools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he wasroom-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes justbefore it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because ofhis wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerlysurcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowlingball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filledwith vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardycomes on at 7:00 p.m.instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you frythem in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across thegrassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having leftCleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who hadalso never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the EastRiver.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, onlyone that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, thisplan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eatingfor a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but areal duck that was actually lame...maybe from stepping on a land mine orsomething.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender legbehind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around withpower tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as ifshe were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in anypH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.